Why “Letting Out Your Anger” Doesn’t Actually Work (and What Helps Instead)

14 May

One of the most common things people say when they’re angry is:

“I just needed to let it out.”

People mean well. The idea makes sense on the surface. If you’re angry, release it. Hit a pillow, shout, blow off steam, and you’ll feel better afterward.

But when we look at the research, the story is surprisingly different. Acting out anger doesn’t usually reduce it. In fact, it tends to keep it going (Australian Psychological Society [APS], 2023; Bushman, 2002).

Let’s unpack why that happens, and what actually helps in real life.

The problem with “venting”.

The belief in venting comes from an old idea in psychology called catharsis - the assumption that anger builds up like pressure and needs to be released. However, contemporary evidence does not support this as an effective emotional regulation strategy (APS, 2023; Black Dog Institute, 2023).

When we express anger aggressively - by shouting, smashing things, or “letting it all out” - we often see the opposite effect:

The anger stays around longer
The body remains physically activated
The brain becomes more practiced at responding with aggression
Future reactions become quicker and more intense

So instead of “releasing” anger, we’re often training the brain to stay in it.

What’s happening in the body

Anger isn’t just a thought - it’s a full-body state.

When you get angry, your nervous system switches into high alert: adrenaline rises, muscles tense, and your brain prepares for action.

If you respond by yelling or acting aggressively, your body doesn’t calm down. It stays in that heightened state.

And here’s the key point: your brain can misread that physical arousal as “proof” that the situation is still dangerous or unresolved. So the emotional fire keeps burning (Gross, 2015; Black Dog Institute, 2023).

Why it can make things worse over time

Aggressive “venting” doesn’t just affect the moment - it can shape long-term emotional patterns by reinforcing aggression through short-term relief, even when that relief is temporary.

There are often three common long-term effects:

1. Anger becomes more automatic

The brain learns:

stress → aggression → temporary relief

Over time, this makes aggressive reactions easier to trigger (APS, 2023).

2. Relationships take a hit

People around us may begin to feel emotionally unsafe or guarded, which creates distance, fear, and conflict (Australian Institute of Family Studies [AIFS], 2022).

3. The body carries the load

Chronic stress activation isn’t harmless. Over time, it can affect sleep, immunity, and cardiovascular health (Beyond Blue, 2023; Black Dog Institute, 2023).

Why it feels helpful in the moment

Aggressive expression can create a short burst of release. But what’s really happening is that the body is staying activated, not settling.

It’s a bit like revving a car engine when it’s overheating - it feels like doing something, but it doesn’t bring the temperature down.

So what actually helps with anger?

The goal isn’t to suppress anger or “ignore it.” Anger is a normal human emotion. It usually shows up when something feels unfair, threatening, overwhelming, or emotionally painful.

The goal is to bring the body down first, then respond thoughtfully.

Here are approaches commonly recommended in evidence-based psychological practice:

1. Pause and name what’s happening

Even a simple label helps:

“I’m feeling angry right now.”

This creates a small but important moment of awareness between feeling and reacting (Lieberman et al., 2011).

2. Calm the nervous system

Before problem-solving, the body needs to settle.

A few evidence-based tools include:

Slow, deep breathing (especially longer exhalations)
Relaxing muscle tension in the body
Physically stepping away from the situation for a few minutes to safely regulate

These strategies are commonly recommended in Australian mental health and stress-management guidelines (APS, 2023; Black Dog Institute, 2023).

3. Shift attention deliberately

Anger thrives on replaying the same thoughts.

Breaking that loop can help:

Focus on a simple task
Count backward
Engage your senses (what you can see, hear, feel, smell, and touch)
Change your environment if possible

This supports attentional control and reduces threat-based processing (Gross, 2015).

4. Understand what’s underneath the anger

Anger is often a secondary emotion and can mask something more vulnerable underneath.

Under the anger, someone may actually be feeling:

Disrespected
Unheard
Overwhelmed
Out of control
Hurt
Ashamed
Rejected
Humiliated

Reflecting on what sits beneath the anger helps the emotion make more sense and supports healthier communication and regulation (AIFS, 2022; Black Dog Institute, 2023).

Why children’s exposure to aggression matters

One area that deserves more attention is how children learn from what they observe.

Australian developmental and family research shows that repeated exposure to aggressive behaviour - whether in real life or through screens - can lead children to:

become less sensitive to distress over time
see aggression as a normal way to solve problems
imitate what they observe
identify with aggressive or reactive roles

(AIFS, 2022; Australian eSafety Commissioner, 2023)

Children are especially influenced by modelling, not just instruction. What they repeatedly see and hear becomes part of what they understand as “normal.”

This is why emotional regulation in adults matters more than we often realise.

A simple grounding tool: the 3-3-3 technique

For both children and adults, grounding strategies can help bring the nervous system back into the present moment when emotions feel overwhelming.

The 3-3-3 rule is simple:

Name three things you can see
Notice three sounds you can hear
Move three parts of your body

It sounds small, but it works by shifting attention away from emotional overload and back into the present moment.

For parents, role-modelling this technique can also help children learn healthy emotional regulation skills through observation and repetition.

Final thoughts

Anger isn’t something to “get rid of” - it’s information. It tells us something matters.

But how we respond to it makes all the difference.

“Letting it out” might feel intuitive, but research consistently shows it tends to intensify rather than resolve anger (APS, 2023; Bushman, 2002; Black Dog Institute, 2023). What actually helps is slowing the body down, creating space, and responding with intention instead of impulse.

That’s where emotional regulation begins - not in releasing the anger, but in understanding and guiding it.

Written by Victoria Mulcahy
Provisional Psychologist

References

Australian Institute of Family Studies. (2022). Positive parenting and child wellbeing. [https://aifs.gov.au](https://aifs.gov.au/)

Australian Psychological Society. (2023). Anger. https://psychology.org.au/for-the-public/Psychology-topics/anger

Australian eSafety Commissioner. (2023). Young people and exposure to harmful online content. [https://www.esafety.gov.au](https://www.esafety.gov.au/)

Beyond Blue. (2023). Stress symptoms and effects. [https://www.beyondblue.org.au](https://www.beyondblue.org.au/)

Black Dog Institute. (2023). Managing stress and emotional wellbeing. [https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au](https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/)

Bushman, B. J. (2002). Does venting anger feed or extinguish the flame? Catharsis, rumination, distraction, anger, and aggressive responding. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 28(6), 724-731. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167202289002

Gross, J. J. (2015). Emotion regulation: Current status and future prospects. Psychological Inquiry, 26(1), 1-26. https://doi.org/10.1080/1047840X.2014.940781

Lieberman, M. D., Inagaki, T. K., Tabibnia, G., & Crockett, M. J. (2011). Subjective responses to emotional stimuli during labeling, reappraisal, and distraction. Emotion, 11(3), 468-480. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0023503

Juliette Moora